Why Do I Cry When I Vacuum?

When I say grandma, most people immediately think old lady hunched over with bad hearing and sight. Well my grandma is nothing like that... she is crazy in a good way. She calls me Dog Face and I call her Dog Face which was a great way to show each other we loved each other. She is hilarious, curses like a sailor, and shows her love to everyone by giving pajamas and anything she found on sale at Kohls. Well I guess that it is how she used to be, soon after me and Trevor's wedding day my Dog Face Moron Grandma was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer and wow cancer sucks. It started out kind of slow and she just had to take meds to help her with pain. She even tried to do chemo but it didn't change the size of a lemon sized tumor. After many doctor appointments and treatments my family had to accept that she might not be with us for much longer and the only thing we could do is make the best of it. Every year that my grandpa has played in the senior games my grandma has always gone and some times a family member would go with her. As part of my grandma's bucket list she wanted everyone to go to the senior games with her and my grandpa. So everyone who could went to St. George to support my grandpa playing soft ball. I drove down with my mom, sisters, and nephews. The drive down was a blast as we talked about everything and laughed. We even circled in the parking lot waiting for things to change but nothing happened. While being there, people kept forgetting things in our car and I forgot something under Chelsee's pillow but it was fun. Other than the St. George adventure my grandma had a few other things on her bucket list. Another thing we did for my grandma is a Hawaiian Luau because she loved going to Hawaii. Filling a bucket list is quite the thing, it is sad but also a peaceful experience.

I am now sitting at my grandma's house right now and I don't know what to think or how to feel. I went into my grandma's room and she is just laying there. It's like she is not there, as if her spirit has left but her body is just waiting to leave. Part of me wants to tell her, "don't leave me Dog Face. I need you, I need you to stay with me. I want you to see my children because I want them to know how fabulous you are. I want to laugh with you again and watch a BYU vs Utah game even if it means that BYU has to win. I want to watch Christmas Vacation with you even though you say the name wrong. I want to go to North Carolina with you again and play Trousers and Pants then after we go to Steak and Shake. I want to make you think that you stole the chopsticks. I just want you to stay here and be with me and all of the family." While I would love to say all of those things to her I know I can't. I know I have to just let her go and keep the memories with me.

I recently got Paul Cardall's book "Before My Heart Stops" on cd thanks to my father in law and I listen to it any time that I am in my car and I love it. He has given me a whole new look on life and I am already appreciating my life more. His words are incredible as he describes all that he has been through. It makes me appreciate my nephew Teagan's journey with half of heart but I am able to relate to my grandma. He helps me recognize more the love that Heavenly Father has for us. Heavenly Father does not take those we love away from us to hurt us. I know my Heavenly Father loves me and he loves my grandma and he needs to take her now so she will be out of pain and so she can go to live with him and her family that has already passed. I know Paul Cardall will not read this but I would like thank him. He has brought me much comfort and I appreciate his words and wonderful example.

For my wedding, my grandma and grandpa gave me a vacuum and as soon as I turn it on I want to cry. My grandma is known for her vacuuming early in the morning when everyone is still asleep but I would almost give anything to hear her vacuum again. Along with the vacuum there was a little card that said "Remember who always loves you" that's all it said and that is all that it needed to say. I put it up on our magnet board and I often look at it to just give me a smile. So now I say to my grandma..."Remember who loves you always"